In defiance of happy endings,
fallen to the cold floor,
sinking slowly, surely,
into the heartache that stood waiting,
leering,
the tears that draw no mercy,
ignoring the silent bargains
and discarded pride,
amidst the choppy waters,
clear invitation with his name
that took no rejection,
hands that loosened their grip,
forgotten promises that itch and claw
at the little remnants of purity,
and the inevitable deafening silence
entitled 'The End'.

I haven't cried so much since my grandfather's funeral. Everything's so bleak. They think it's him, and maybe they even know it's him, but we're all in denial. How could someone so kind and nice be gone when only a few weeks ago, he was comforting me as we sat folding paper money together? Over the phone last night to my mother, I sobbed, telling her that aside from being my cousin, he's my friend.. She remembered him as a nice fellow too... He's only 19... This isn't right at all..

I'm praying it's not him. I'm praying for his family. God, if you hear me, then please tell me he's okay and comfort his family during this difficult time. It's the 49th day commemorating my grandfather's passing, and it is so unjust to be adding another prayer. Don't let another person walk out of my life, God. Please, just don't let it be true...

This is when I really believe that life isn't fair. Undeserving people just fall victim, succumb to such brutality.. And it makes me wonder how some people can do such things to others and continue to live with themselves. The normality in my life has ceased to exist... How can so much have happened in less than two months? It's like the pillars I've taken for granted in my life have been stolen from me, leaving me to slowly crumble into a mess of tears and mistakes..

I'm praying... I don't know what else I can do...

Would you believe me if I said I'm keeping you from this for your own good?
Because I've caused you enough hurt that didn't have your name scribbled over it in the first place.
No one bloody signs up for something like this.
If in the end you find out the truth and it still crushes you, please remember that it would've just killed you now.
And it would've been all my fault.
Forgive me for not wanting to be blamed for that...
So excuse me for my careful omissions now.

-o--.--o-...--||| -o--.--o-...--|||

If only it could always be this easy.
It's like having a tap at your disposal.
Turn it on and off.
So you can hold my hand when you want to, kiss it when you feel like it.
And when you turn to me, your eyes bright with anticipation (or is it expectation?), maybe I'll kiss you back.
But just like Cinderella, the clock will eventually strike midnight.
*SNAP*
Reality check.

-o--.--o-...--||| -o--.--o-...--|||

Yes, sometimes I secretly hate you both.
I'm sorry, but this isn't about me being able to control my emotions anymore.
No, because this is way out of my control.
I will always love you both with all my heart, but I don't know when this hate that is lodged so deep within will disappear.
And quite honestly, even if it does, it'll change nothing for the all of us, which is strangely enough, a good thing.

-o--.--o-...--||| -o--.--o-...--|||

I shouldn't blog at 2 am ever again.
I jinxed it.
I went shopping this morning again after the interview.
Which, by the way, went horrible.
I believe any 5 year old could've said the things I did.
Sink. Slump. Shunned.

-o--.--o-...--||| -o--.--o-...--|||

I thought things were supposed to slow during the holidays.
Ya know, give you the chance to let loose.
Then you can refocus after that time in your life when nothing is demanded of you.
I was horribly wrong.

-o--.--o-...--|||  -o--.--o-...--|||

And I wanna believe you when you tell me that it'll be okay
Yeah, I try to believe you
But I don't

(Avril Lavigne's Tomorrow)

Going shopping with Joanne today was kinda WTF-ing for me and Trina. Especially after she exclaimed loudly, "Brazilians are sexy!" And two guys looking very Brazilian who were walking in front of us turned around. Aiks. They didn't stop looking at us even after we walked into the boutique. =P I believe they even waved at Joanne.

Lol, that crazy girl. =)

I have my interview at 9 am tomorrow. I came home tonight with a splitting headache after dinner with my friends, but I couldn't sleep till I did 20 minutes of tossing and turning and hearing Jeff Buckley sing in my head, which by the way is very, very abnormal. The tossing part, I mean. :P Then barely an hour of my stay in Dreamland later, I got a call from a friend. Here I am now, still unable to sleep at 2 am, and I have to get up at 7 tomorrow. JOY.

I still haven't bought my coffee press, though I did get my iron today! :) So no more using hairdryers in desperation for my work attire to dry. Whee. I even ended the shopping drought today (I'll take pictures soon!). I feel much, much poorer. But really, this should be it. NO MORE SHOPPING. I have to save money for London. Boxing Day Sales are calling my name. I even hear the English pubs calling my name, asking me to buy a Stella Artois for me and the older brother. Or two. Hehe.

I realised that it's actually easier for me to save money when I receive cash from my workplace cause I keep track of what I'm receiving and feel more reluctant to spend it as compared to just swiping my evil blue card. Hope that'll help me stinge and stinge till I get to London and buy myself an FCUK T-shirt that I've always wanted! Amongst other things, of course... ;)

Right, I'm going to log off MSN and try to sleep. Again. For the 3rd time tonight. The Borders interview is in less than 7 hours. I have to wake up in less than 5. Dear G-d, wish me luck! :)

I'm at the junction;
Come pick me up
and maybe we can go
for a few pancakes
with scoops of ice-cream
and plenty of strawberries
encased in chocolate sauce
as I hold your hands
and relive with you
the nights that were so alive
and the days that flew by too quickly
with the abundance of joy
that I could even give away
without feeling its loss.

I don't know
if you'll feel differently tonight
or if tomorrow you'll disappear,
but let me have today
when I can feel
your arm circle my waist
and I can walk with you
as you tell me a little more
leave a little less unanswered,
pass empty cafes
with the almost begging displays
and faces that fade into one
unrecognisable mass,
and I'll let you go
like today is forever.

I came home from work at 10. My. last. shift! My boss (not the manager) scolded me for nothing the other night and I really didn't wanna take it lying down. And so I resigned. I searched employment sites and voila, had that interview with Borders. I got into the second round interviews, yay!

Following that, my manager told me to let my boss know why I was quitting = he's rude and yells for no reason. I thought it's okay for me to 'eat the dead cat' since hey, I'm leaving. It's not as if he can deny me my pay for letting him know his faults, right? And so I told my boss tonight why I was quitting and he came up with a few excuses after misinterpreting my words. Like, hello. Of course I know everyone works their ass off for you. Duh, look at me. I've even lost weight. =P Anyway, whoever said that's what I was pissed at? I complained that he scolded me for nuts that night and I couldn't take that. Then he did the unexpected.

He apologised. =.=

He's asked me to stay on if I like, till I find a new job. I don't know, I seem to be stuck in a rut. I reckon I should just tell the manager to only put me on the roster if she can't find anyone else. I may not like the pay, but I love the people I work with. They're all interesting characters, really. Remember the hottie I talked about? I just found out last night that he's gay. What a shame for us girls! Well, it's okay, sometimes we get cute customers, like the one from last night and tonight, with an eyebrow piercing. I don't know why, but I find that very very hot. Cha-ching, I'm acting like a real girl tonight.

Anyway, I'm bloody tired. I came home after work, took a shower, cleaned the bathroom, swept and mopped the floor, put on my newly washed bedsheets and pillowcase and all I wanna do is sleep. I sound like a housewife, but while Trinity is nursing her bad ankle, I suddenly felt inspired to do all the housework. =P Oh G-d, you have NOT stumbled into a housewife's blog. Honest.

I mightttttt be going to watch the new Will Ferrell movie tomorrow. Swifty says it's funny as fuck. Those exact words. I'm counting on it! I'm also buying an iron so that I don't freak out on Tuesday morning when I can't find anything that doesn't look like I slept in them to the Borders interview. Wargh, interviews are unnerving. Scarifying. Shit. Lol, no more. I'm gonna think of a nice coffee press that I'm gonna get my hands on, and I whine about the new Basement Jaxx CD that I want so badly. I likeee. Oh damn, I did it again. Something the heck is wrong with me. Alright, I definitely need sleep, before I continue ranting about what I CAN'T have. No. more.

Oh yeah, did I mention I'm 80% sure that I'm spending Xmas in London? I'm freaked, excited, scared, happy, and going WTF at the same time. I almost couldn't sleep the night before thinking about it! Wheeeeeee, I can almost taste the fricking malt loaf with melted butter. If you're drooling, you're forgiven, because I'm inwardly drooling too. Right, it's time to sleep. Done. Night! I mean, morning. It's 1 am. Shites.

Yup, okay, shutting up. Kthxbai! :)

I went into my Communications class today and the topic of the day was 'slang'. Because I'm so obviously a foreign student, I was asked by my tutor to look up my form of slang in Google. Fine. So I searched for Malay slang but what came up was the Wikipedia entry for Singaporean slang. I thought, no matter, since both are rather similar, so I opened it. I explained a little bit about 'lah' beforehand and continued exploring a few. I told the class that most of there were swear words. Then my tutor decided to say one that appeared on the screen.

"Chee-bai."

=.=

Okayyyy, that was definitely not my fault. I warned him against saying it in front of any Malaysian/Singaporean/Taiwanese. I'll be blah-ed if anyone thinks he's being rude. =P

Then I headed to the city. I went to Starbucks first for a green tea 'cause it was near the Marriott, where I had to attend an interview with Borders. And what do I see but an ad for their Coffee and Chocolate Seminar! My face fell when I realised it was today at 5:30 pm, when I would probably still be at the interview.

There were plenty of people at the interview. It was a big session and we sat around in four different groups. I was told to bring my favourite CD/book/DVD and because I didn't have Sidney Sheldon's The Other Side of Midnight with me, I brought Audrey Niffenegger's The Time Traveller's Wife, which is also a brilliant book. The woman next to me brought the Amelie DVD. Great choice. I also caught sight of the back cover of a CD one guy was holding and I instantly recognised it as Jeff Buckley's Grace. I must say, it's nice to know that people appreciate the same things that I do, possibly even more.

As it turned out, we had to pretend to promote whatever it is we brought to our group leader. I went second, by my seat position. So I began to tell him that it's a romance novel that doesn't just cater to women, but to men as well. It's got a very unique storyline because the main character, Henry DeTamble, time-travels (as you can tell from the title). However he doesn't do it by choice. More often than not, he appears randomly with no clothes and starving. Blah the blah. And that was that. There was a group activity, then a short personal interview. Nothing major. I'm crossing my fingers, even if the job only starts in November. I got a Gloria Jean's voucher for a regular drink, 15% discount on anything in store, a pen and a folder just for attending the interview, yay!

As I left the hotel, I realised that if I walked very quickly even if my black boots were killing me, I'd make it to the seminar! And I did. I'm so glad I did, because it was so fun! First, they spoke about how coffee and chocolate (cocoa) are grown, where they are grown, the processing and... how to drink coffee! Turns out there's a specific way of going about it, and how eye-opening it was! We tried two different types of coffee and had chocolate truffles and brownies with walnuts that were made of Lindt. If you didn't already know, I LOVE Lindt chocolate. The chocolate actually managed to bring out the chocolate flavour in the coffee! It was amazing.

I've always been quite a noob with coffee. I just drink it and while I love the taste, that's all I've bothered with. I either like it or I don't. I don't go to the lengths of exploring the full tastes, or be able to tell why I like a certain coffee. During that time of learning, I could describe a coffee and fully appreciate its taste. It wasn't just a shot of caffeine. It was spicy, or woody, or smelled of cinnamon, had a chocolatey taste that the brownie evoked. It was fabulous to find out and now know that I truly appreciate coffee for more than just a wake-up pill. There was also a short quiz, but I was too slow and they mostly called on people they know to answer. Aww, I could've won myself more coffee or a nice mug. :(

Anyway, I got a free goodie bag!



Wait till you see what's inside! =)



Okay, let me list them out. There're 3 packets of coffee beans: Kenya (bold), House (medium) blend and Verona (bold). I tried the Verona today and while it was nice, it wasn't as beautiful as the Gold Coast blend. They also ground it for me, so I'm buying a coffee press tomorrow! Yes, I'm that motivated! There's also a $ 5 Starbucks card which can be used on anything, a random balloon, Starbucks leaflets on how to make your own coffee, their formulae for certain beverages, teas (Earl Grey, English Brekky and Chai, which is one of my favourites) and chocolates! Yummylicious.

Did I mention that the seminar was free? *Gasp!* Yes, it was! I know you're all dying of jealousy now. ;) I can't wait for the next seminar!

Alright, here're some more random pictures I want to share with you guys.



Remember how I talked about wanting to make Konnyaku jelly? Well, I did! I made them with fresh strawberries too, and they're one of my most favourite fruits!

While I was studying a few nights ago, I caught a funny picture.



This is my favourite mug. It was a birthday present that I got last year from Maureen and Kim, who are studying in Melbourne and Sydney. They also gave me one of my favourite CDs: Missy Higgins' The Sound of White. She's a bit like Sarah McLachlan but less soulful, and more up-tempo. Anyway, I've only started using it for a few weeks now cause I was afraif to break it but yes, my favourite mug has an ass. It also becomes a hot ass when it has my coffee or tea in it.

Ahhh... I love blog posts with pictures. Don't you? ;)