.T.r.i.n.A. :: acing it. again. says:
u dont force things to happen
.T.r.i.n.A. :: acing it. again. says:
thats the way the world goes round
.T.r.i.n.A. :: acing it. again. says:
and until the day that ppl can accept the fact that you can always try, but not succeed, and all u can do bout that is suck it up and try again, there will always be ppl who pull you down
.T.r.i.n.A. :: acing it. again. says:
and for someone as smart as you, i feel that its ridiculous that you're letting ppl fuck round with your mind

(I left names out..)

Trinity, you made me see sense again... You should turn on Anna Nalick's Breathe because that's your song. Thanks, girl... Now if I could just have that little bit of reciprocation, then maybe it'd all.. just.. magically fall into place... And we won't have to pick up any pieces . . .

Our differences will disappear. You'll never need to try again. I'll stop myself from picking on every little detail. And the sun will happily shine on your face as the warmth seeps deep inside, the clouds will be the beautiful, pristine white cotton balls floating amongst the brightest blue backdrop that children try desperately to catch as the breeze never allows a single drop of sweat to form on your forehead... Such brighter days . . .

Sigh.. why does everything have to be so hard? When did it all stop making sense...? I don't like this. At all. Everything's missing even though they're all present. Who would've thought that the me who sees the downs in everything would come home so early? I didn't call you. Why'd you come back to haunt me again?

I never left... I only kept my silence . . .

You should've shut up for longer.

If it could all go back to the way it was, if happiness had remained so far away, I wouldn't be so unaccustomed to this now.

Happiness spoils people. People forget all too quickly what pain's like in the midst of the illusion that they have it all . . .

So it was an illusion.

Indeed.

Go to hell.

. . .  We're in it.

To all the cooking noobs out there like me: do NOT get distracted while attempting to make something edible. I was making myself porridge when I decided to start on another equally important task and then the smell hit me. Mmm.. I can almost taste the yummy in my tummy Korean beef rice porridge...

Wait.. didn't I put the lid on the saucepan?

SHIT!!

Run, run, run into the kitchen to find my precious porridge overflowing onto the not-so-clean stove, the lid still on and the fire on full blast, thanks to my impatience. Arghhh...

Well, at least all the marks came off, and I still have the biggest bowl of porridge ever (yay, it's not burnt!), so big that it puts the Father Bear's (remember THAT childhood story?) meal to shame. It's not real porridge since it came out of a damn packet, but it sure as hell beats anything else I could have for lunch, except Korean noodles, which I only skipped cause it's a roasting day and spicy noodles will be a killer.

Bet you guys have got a yummier lunch though, hmmph!

Right now, I'm blogging while having lunch cause I have to turn on nerd mode fully later for another test on Saturday. :( And after that test, I have another two essays to write. Can someone just kill me now? Your consolation is that even if you do kill me, you're still not as heartless as the people who make assignments and exams compulsory, yay. :P

It looks like I can't make it to any of those 2 parties on Saturday. How sad. Instead I'll be sitting in my room, trying to conjure up bullshit that'll pass off as an excellent essay. And the night might just get worse if Ryan decides to come home drunk again. Hmmph, this time he can try to climb over the balcony door cause I am not opening the garage door from him. He can go ahead and make a crapload of noise that'll wake his mom up and compel her to bash him in. :P

Today's going sooooo slowlyyyyyyyyyy... I think the days always do when you're stuck in a rut. :P Alright, fine, I'm going to try and go against those genes and stop procrastinating...

Talk about going against the impossible.

Trinity tagged me back with the last bit of the Songs Meme that she made up. Which is good, cause I can tag a few more people: Pris, Max, Munak, and if he still reads my blog, Morbid Muse (only the songs one). :)

One song...

you have no effing idea what it says but you know is great... Lee Hom's Zhu Lin Shen Chu. Because it's so catchy!

that moved you like no other the first time you heard it: Firehouse's I Live My Life For You. But there were other reasons for that too...

that brings tears to your eyes: Hoobastank's The Reason

you wish they would STOP playing: I had previously wished they would stop playing Eminem's Ass Like That. Pointless song, because if I wanted to listen to some guy moaning about some chick's ass, it'd be something that I can dance to while ignoring the lyrics.

that has been played too many times but you still sing along to it: any Jay Chou ballad

you love because of the singer: Nicholas Tse's Ying Wei Ai Suo Yi Ai! ;) But I do actually like the song. :)

you wish was YOUR hit single: The First Cut Is The Deepest by Rod Stewart. And Sheryl Crow sang it again, and the result was equally great.

Keep the tagging alive, cause it's fun and annoying at the same time, yay!

I'm really sorry that I am the way I am.... I know it's hard to put up with me. I'm not used to this, and it looks like I'm going to take awhile to fully immerse myself in this again. I've been trying to keep myself as independent and strong as possible for so long that admitting my weakness to someone who would've been a complete stranger only such a short period of time ago is not something I'm used to doing.

I know you care and only wish to help, but I don't take too kindly to repeated offers of help. I just feel incompetent, and that I can't deal with what life throws at me, even the simple everyday things. I can't always expect life to be a bed of roses; I'm used to it being a bed of nails, and that some part of me expects to fall back on it very soon. I can almost feel them digging into my back now.

So if I'm being difficult by refusing to take your hand, it's not because of you. It's just my old habits that I can't wash away in a week, a month.. or a year. People leave scars everywhere that still hurt at the slightest touch and you learn not to volunteer to be a victim again. Being stranded has almost become an ultimate fear of mine, and maybe I'm looking too far forward into some pessimistic future, but I just can't be the weak and submissive girl I used to be, whose happiness depended on other people to give.

... Are you regretting this?

Yay, my kor kor is the best! He sent me a song from the latest OC episode which I've given up on downloading till next month, when the nightmare that is Internet quota is renewed and becomes my best friend again. Until it dies.

Bettie Serveert - Lover, I Don't Have To Love

If you love songs from the OC too, let me know what you think of this one! :) Exchange thoughts, ya? Damn, the title reminds me of Jeff Buckley's 'Lover, You Should've Come Over'.

Because today has been a happy day, as all my days have been so far (YAY!), I would like become an annoying little blogger, complete the memes that have been going around and tag people! I don't care if you've been on a hiatus, you'd better do it (thinks of Random Guy; do this for me please?)!

I tag Trinity (pause A. Idol posts! ^+^), Kitty (because you shouldn't go absent after those few days of blogging!), Averdim (miss you :( and I haven't talked to you since.. forever!), Vincent (do this after the Rojak part 2 :P), Random Guy (please, pretty please with cherries on top?), Pris (the other BLEACH lover!), Kyels (I hope you see this, girl!) and David (because I mentioned you in the Songs Meme, and you can just do that one)! And anyone who owns a blog and reads this! Do this, or else! ;)

SCHOOLS MEME

How many schools did I go to?
Primary and Secondary: SKL. Year 11 and 12: SPLC. So that's two. If you include my kindergarten, it's three. And I'm at UQ now. So.. four?

Was I the studious nerd, or the last minute hero?
I was the studious nerd up till after PMR. Then I became.. well, not hero. I was more like a zero. :) It's only after I came to Australia that I discovered the real meaning of burning the midnight oil.

Was I the class 'taiko' or the teacher's pet?
I'd say a bit of both when I was back at home. And then I became the 'shrug and nod' chick. Mainly because I continued to skip class after I got here. I was a prefect in Malaysia, became a prefect when I got here, but still not a teacher's pet. I think my teachers rather disliked my habit of sleeping in class. :P Though there was my IT Systems class, where I was the defiant student who questioned everything. :) Haha, I don't think the teacher minded though. Hello, he's a Liverpool fan too? Heheh..

What was the biggest rule I broke in school?
Cheating in exams. And getting caught. Lol, surprisingly enough, considering I didn't study for that test, I supplied the answers. The others were mediocre stuff like not completing prefect duties (lol), skipping class without reason. Ponteng lar, in other words. I remember blogging about those good days too.. :P I wonder how my accomplices are.. :)

Three subjects I enjoyed:
In Malaysia, I enjoyed English, BM (mostly) and PE. ;) Well, I aced every English test that I took, lol. I remember topping the class with the last English exam I took in Malaysia too. BM was great because we had an awesome teacher who just naturally commanded respect. PE was.. well, slacking off time. :P

In Australia, I enjoyed English (again), certain Legal Studies classes when we discussed the more interesting issues such as prostitution (shut up) and the criminal offences and IT Systems. Mainstream English was definitely hard, so I was proud to get the occasional A, and IT Systems was interesting because I'm pretty handy with computers and I remember getting full marks for my first Macromedia Fireworks test after only giving it one day's practice. ;) And all those times I did my assignments the night before.. sweet!!

Three teachers that inspired me:
Puan Faezah: my old BM teacher. :) She still amazes me. She used to mark SPM papers, and she probably still does. I remember we were always quiet when she did the teaching, even the guys that often misbehaved. She was so dedicated that even when she was sick, she persisted with the teaching. I believe I got very close to getting an A2 for the last BM paper I took, and that was more than enough for me.

Mr. Lee, my Add Maths/Science tuition teacher: He didn't care that I often fell asleep while he was teaching. Or that his time was up, and I still didn't understand. He'd go over stuff over and over again just to be sure I understand, even if that's not what he's paid to do. I call that dedication!

Ms. Jamieson: The Biology teacher who woke me up, asked me if I wanted to continue sleeping, and when I said yes, allowed me to continue sleeping. Beat that! Okay, so I didn't do well in Biology, but she was inspiring. :) I did study. I did do my assignments.

SONGS MEME

One song… from your early childhood: 'I Just Called To Say I Love You'. It's the family favourite. :)

One song… you are associating with your first big love: Kylie Minogue 'Love At First Sight'. Because he brought it up.

One song… which reminds you of one of your holidays: Green Day 'Time of Your Life', since I just had my graduation before I came home.

One song… you like, but you have got problems confessing to: Hmmph.. pick a Christina Aguilera song that isn't 'Reflection' or 'I Turn To You'. I just don't like that woman.

One song… which accompanied you, while you were lovesick: M2M's 'The Day You Went Away', and a billion others.

One song… you listened to most often in your life: This is hard! Err.. Bon Jovi's 'Always'? Or maybe it isn't. I'm taking a wild guess.

One song… which is your most favoured instrumental: WTF is wrong with this question?? Song, then instrument?? So the confusing.. Err... I like the guitar? :P Ooh, I get it! Sorry, blonde moment. :P I'll go with Bond's Victory!

One song… which represents one of your most favoured bands: 'Iris' - Goo Goo Dolls.

One song… in which you recognize yourself or through which you feel somehow understood: Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek

One song… which reminds you to a certain occasion (and the occasion): Oh, tough one! Hmm.. Because I'm talking to Max now, I'll say Mandy Moore and Jonathan Foreman's Someday We'll Know. :) The occasion was us singing it for Talentime and winning 2nd place. ;)

One song… you like and which belongs to the Hip Hop / Rap genre: This one's not hard, cause I actually do like songs from those genres, but I'll go with Eminem's Stan because I can almost remember every line from the song. :) And Dido's touch was the hottest.

One song… which is the best for you to relax: Chet Baker's 'Tenderly'. Thanks, David. :)

One song… which symbolizes a great time in your life: 'Lean on Me'. The boarding house song. My two years in boarding were great.

One song… which is your most favourite song at the moment: Argh, I like all my songs! Fine. Err... Ricky Martin and Meja's Private Emotion. I do know it's an old song, but it's also beautiful. :)

One song… which you would dedicate to your best friend: Err.. I want to ignore this question because it says best FRIEND. Since this question goes this way, I shall dedicate the oh-so-cliche Vitamin C's Graduation.

One song… where you have got the feeling that no one besides you likes it: Fort Minor's 'Red to Black'

One song… you like because of its lyrics: Imogen Heap's 'Hide and Seek'. Yes, again. :)

I'd better see this on your blogs soon!! :)

My test on Saturday went well! It was 20 questions, multiple choice, so I finished it in 10 minutes. Whether or not I get great results to match is a different matter. All I know is I studied my ass off for that exam so it'd better yield better than average results, grrr..

Well, after I got out of the exam room, I caught a bus to a friend's place and after we had lunch, I watched Bleach. It's an anime, and argh.. I think I'm getting stuck to it. I knew I should never have started watching it. Oh well, it's funny! Hehe.. and very much watchable! (Pris: Tell me you've watched it! :D) I like, I like!

Then we headed to another friend's place, Aundre, and it was meant to be a belated birthday celebration. Attention, girls! If you think your guy is messy, you don't know messy until you've stepped into a place where three guys live together! :P This coming from me is rich, but jeez, I look like a clean freak next to them!

So we cleaned up and the place began to look decent and liveable again. I mean, we couldn't very well expect 15 people to attend a party at a place that had plastic bags scattered all over the place, right?? I helped to cook and after that, w00t, the best part: I got to play mahjong! Yay! And it's the one from home too, with tiga kaki! Hehe, too bad I made such a dramatic win in the first round (Moon wu, okay?!), because it was indeed the beginning of the end. :( I hardly won the rest of the night.

Well, it's a good thing we weren't gambling! Or I would've lost.. half my bank account? :P Nice of the guys to give us face, hehe..

Dinner was nothing short of yummy! All that cooking was worth it, yay! Thanks to the able cook! Yay! And then we began to play a drinking game. OMG, it's the best!! I like! ;) Tristin has a party next week for a belated birthday celebration and I'll make them play it, yay! Sorry, I'm so excited cause it was such a fun game! I loveee games like this one!

Ooh, and it is here I declare that cold beer isn't too bad! Carlton Draught and Hahn Premium Light are now my friends! :)

It was fun! I didn't even have to walk home cause a friend's girlfriend gave me a lift. Though I'm beginning to think that there's a party every week. I mean, I've been studying and attending every single class without fail... but can everyone's birthdays be during the Easter holidays please?! :P

It's been awhile since I've felt sadness envelop me and it's the best, knowing that the concept of happiness hasn't eluded me. Happiness is exactly like riding a bike; once it's been made known to you once, it'll never be foreign again.

You don't need to be drunk to be happy (I don't care what those pretty chicks in beer ads say). You shouldn't feel like someone else needs to give you happiness for you to be able to feel it. You don't need to compare your current state to other times that you think you were happier to fully appreciate how happy you are, so stop it. You shouldn't feel like everything has to be perfect for you to be happy because we all know that's a completely unrealistic expectation. You will never learn how everything works the way it does, so just leave it all behind and make way for happiness.

I know what it's like to feel like everything is not going your way in life... Too often. I used to wonder if it was possible for happiness to last longer than a few hours in my life, and all the other questions in life that make you devote so much thought to them that you lose focus on the now, what's present in your life now. It's too easy to do so, and this is me wishing that I had not wasted all that time, wondering, wishing, waiting.

We all look to stuff that will secure long-term happiness for us. When asked our motivation, we answer that we just wanna be happy. If you don't make yourself happy now, if you don't ALLOW yourself to be happy now... what exactly are you going on and on about?

Don't question happiness. Just appreciate it. Be happy. :)