So I thought I'd stop procrastinating and finally register myself with the Malaysian Students Department today. Really, I lost my form all those years ago. Something about it being filled out, put into an envelope and then misplaced. ANYWAY, there were all the usual questions like name, address, course, passport, IC, blah blah. Last bit was fucking hilarious though:

To validate who you are: Apakah ibu negeri perak?

(Yeah, the P wasn't in capitals)

And for a minute, I was like, what about silver? Then I realised, OH. Right.

Next sarcastic thought: yup, that SO validates who the hell I am. *smirk*

Love these songs. Selected the ones that are not sad. Or at least, not very sad in contrast to the others I also listen to, lol. If you trust my taste, search them out if you don't already know them:

You don't know how lovely you are. (Coldplay - The Scientist)

alwaysgonnaloveyou, alwaysthinkingofyou. (Lit - Lullaby)

On your machine, I slur a plea for you to come home. (Death Cab for Cutie - A Lack of Color)

I need you like I've never needed anything before. (Firehouse - I Live My Life For You)

If I just lay here, would you lie with me & just forget the world? (Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars)

If you're lost, you can look and you WILL find me. (Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time {you can search out the alt rock version by Quiet Drive})

This love isn't good unless it's me&you. (Tegan & Sara - I Know I Know I Know)

Our hands will not be taught to hold another's. (Missy Higgins - The Special Two)

It's been too long and I'm  l o s t  without you (Aaliyah - Miss You)

The city spins around, you're the only 1one1 who knows to slow it down (The Fray - Look After You)

I think about you, baby and I dream about you all the time. (Three Doors Down - Here Without You)

Izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu... (Manbai - Kau Ilhamku)

Send a little love my way. (Tegan & Sara - Don't Confess)

I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. (Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved)

This is not what I'm like; I think I'm falling for you. (The Magic Numbers - I See You, You See Me)

If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark. (Death Cab for Cutie - I'll Follow You Into The Dark)

Go now... I'll be there when you call me. (James Blunt - Fall At Your Feet {I don't like the Crowded House original})

I can't take my eyes off YOU. (Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter)

In your house, I long to be, room by room, patiently... (Audioslave - Like A Stone)

I can't stop loving you. (Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me)

The greatest fan of your life. (Edwin McCain - I'll Be)

(When everything's meant to be broken) I just want you to know who I am. (Goo Goo Dolls - Iris)

[Wanted to include Chinese songs like Lee Hom's Wei Yi, Penny Dai's Ni Yao De Ai, and Jay Chou's Kai Bu Liao Kou but thought the pin yin would look strange.]

And it's strange that things change but not me wanting you. (Michelle Branch - Desperately)

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be. (Hoobastank - The Reason)

I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day. (Ingrid Michaelson - Corner of Your Heart)

Kehilangan cinta hati bagai raga tak bernyawa. (Misha Omar & Jaclyn Victor - Cinta {don't like the Melly and Kris Dayanti original either}

I'm in love with you, I'm not so far away. (Thirsty Merc - Someday, Someday)

Maybe you're the only man who could ever help me. (Jem - Maybe I'm Amazed)

Cause I'll give you my heart if you would let me start all over again. (Justin Timberlake - Another Song)

The perfect words never crossed my mind cause there was nothing in there but YOU. (Snow Patrol - Signal Fire)

Seeing the boys from Snow Patrol tomorrow evening! :)

So... I'm gonna remove my chat box because some idiot has been pretending to be me. *rolls eyes* How old are you, like five? So grade school. Pathetic that you want to become someone who isn't you. Even anonymous comments are not as cowardly. I wouldn't even call it a low blow cause it's barely a poke. Rather, it made me laugh and feel pity for you. Oh, the sad life that you have. Please do something useful with yourself. Run along now, child. :P Ahh, gotta love random shit that amuses me.

Anna, thanks for saying hello though, haha. ;)

The culprit of my frustration in class yesterday:

Many adults consider certain qualities important for achieving success in love and marriage. On the basis of your own experience, please rank how important you feel each of the following factors is in a successful relationship. Circle 7 nexxt to the most important characteristi, 6 for the next, and so on down to 1.

Make sure that a different rank is given in each row. No two characteristics can receive the same rank.

Relationship Characteristics:

Being loyal to each other    1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Being able to confide in one another easily, openly and honestly   1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Sharing common values and life goals    1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Having fun together    1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Respecting each other 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Sexual compatibility    1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Mutual trust and support in times of trouble    1 2 3 4 5 6 7

So... I'm quite losing it. No, really, I keep thinking about it, and now I'm rewinding it, and filling myself with this anger and longing for that choice again. I want to go back to the time when she sat with me, helpless as I cried, wishing I could stay, wanting things to be perfect just like that, and knowing that I couldn't and wouldn't ever walk away, not without you, now that I had discovered what it was like.

But then like the stupid little girl I was, I let it slip. And for a second here, I'm honestly wondering how it happened again, if it wasn't as I thought it had, wasn't as I recalled it had. I've forgotten the first year, you know. And perhaps most of the 2nd. It's faded away into the parts where loose panels fail to meet, and I can't even try to remember, because nothing comes to mind. Everything just falls away. Did I repress it, because it hurt and it ached and it bled?

I'm skipping back and I can't stop. To when I held onto my mobile phone, as I sat on the floor, holding onto the dial tone, my eyes fixed on the grey evening sky outside that held no answers for me. Never mind the sweat because I had forgotten about the walk, only the thoughts that had circled and swayed. My heart had slowed to its normal rhythm and my voice became this dull, monotonous voice that you would never want to hear on the other end. I could be remembering the other details wrongly but this was how it was for me. If it wasn't intentional, I would've thought it was. You skimmed, I dodged, and we were both just unhappy.

I... I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I just know that this part of me, this part that remembers you? It doesn't belong to me right now.

These are (amongst) the things that I really wanted to say:

Screw you for not taking me seriously.

Thanks for making plans that involve me without asking me.

I told you so.

You missed out. And you really deserve it.

Do you? Do you?

Fill this awkward silence in now, please.

I don't feel like smiling.

No.

I don't know what to say to you.

What'd you do that for?

I'd rather not.

Ermm... what did you just say?

I can't pretend I don't care.

Please don't read into this anything more than what I need now.

I'm really, really sorry. Again and again.

Can you just shut up?

It's been over a week
since you told me you love me
and you made me wish I
could fly halfway across the sky
to a rainbow-coloured fantasy land,
steal glimpses of the natural you
and wish we were all brand new
all over again.

It's been over a month
since I heard your voice,
and you told me a story
of another girl who stole your heart,
plastering it to her bedroom wall.
And whilst you painted that picture
of a beautiful love
and I, oh, shame on me, but
I wanted her to disappear.

It's been over a year
since you stepped in
and complicated my simple dream
of a simple life with a simple man.
Cause darling, you're anything but
and you throw me into different
places within spaces
of dreamy afternoons
and sophisticated evenings
that break into the late mornings.

It's been an age
of wanting you to be different;
a reciprocal sort of change from
my bitter past of holding onto
men who couldn't love me.
I should know better,
grow a little wiser,
but I'm throwing myself into
deeper waters
amidst darker self-made promises
of a love that's yet to come
and might never appear.