Yesterday, we were around Damansara Heights, dying for lunch at 3 pm. Mom asked me to suggest going somewhere near.

Me: Okay, let's go to Bangsar Village!
(I didn't want to go to BSC since I've already been there)
Mom: Go somewhere near home!
Me: But you told me to decide! Fine, you pick then.
Mom: No, it's okay. Bangsar Village then.
Me: ....

This afternoon, Trina and I were discussing what DVDs to bring back to Brisbane. My mom said Election 2 was absolute rubbish. Well, I hated the first one so there's no way I would waste my time watching the second one.

Mom: But I thought you'd want to watch it for the guy.
Me: Who?
Mom: There. Louis Koo.
Me: Oh. Nah, not for him. The movie's stupid.
Trina: I would watch stupid Daniel Wu movies.
Me: Yeah, me too. But none of his movies are stupid.
Mom: .....

Mom was watching The Apprentice tonight. I don't like Trump's voice, hehe.

Mom: Look at the guy's arms. So long!
Me: Mmm.. *peeks for one second and then goes back to computer screen*
Ads come on. I hear Lee Hom's voice and quickly turn. I crane my neck to watch the Celcom ad. Hello, sexay.
Me: So hot.
Mom: ... This one you want to watch lah!
Me: What!! Like the fella's arms so long very entertaining liddat.
Mom: .....

Dear Mom, I'm sorry you have to put up with my BS. :)

Sometimes, I sit down and rewind, trying to find the moments that seem remotely significant. Anything that might've made me the person I am today. And there're always the bits and pieces that form a pressing collage that I cannot ignore plays and played a big part of my life. Who would've thought, really?

The most recent would be my grandfather. How boldly you remind me that life is indeed fragile and it can be taken away at any time. The innocent facade has no place in my life any longer. You have made me feel like a complete adult now. But that is all metaphorical.

He is the reason why I'm alive. He is one of the important few who brought me up to adopt all these values, attitudes and beliefs that are central in my life now. Without him, there is no me. He may be gone now, but I know he's looking down on all of us, watching over us to make sure that no obstacle is too hard to get across. My grandfather taught me more than figures and facts; he taught me about life. And I really do think that being street-smart is just as important as being academically smart.

The girl who has always been there for me, as I hope that I've been to her. God knows if I've previously neglected you in favour of what I viewed as more important, and if I have, I deserve any punishment since you deserve no less than my equal attention and care to your problems. Thanks for almost always believing in me, and the times that you stood by me, probably shutting down suspicions that I was the guilty party.

Yeah, I've always been quietly envious. But hell, it's done nothing to ruin how I feel towards you. I'm accepting my flaws and our differences and by the time I'm done, I hope your patience hasn't died and you haven't yet given up on me. One day, we'll both stop walking together, and by then, I hope both of us would only have the fond memories to cherish as the years progress.

The two best friends. I barely know you today. You wouldn't have recognised me yesterday. Tomorrow is never definite. The ideals will never take shape, what more materialise in perfect form. I used to stop to hope that maybe today will be different. Maybe today we'll find the right words to say to patch things together. Maybe today we'll reminsce about the good times we spent with each other and give our friendship another shot. Maybe today, we'll do justice to 'best friends forever'.

But then I grew up. And so did you. You're both so beautiful in your own ways, and I appreciate what you both gave to me and the bond we shared. But that's where it ends. I know it's all gone with the wind, gone wherever the land of 'we used to be best friends' lies. How do I stop to wish you all the best without sounding forced and insincere?

The group grew. Where there was two now was four. And then we fell apart. Who broke the foundation? Can I blame it on you, just because you thought that our friendship wasn't worth keeping, now that you had a new man? Or you who decided that those changes you made would suit you best? What of the friend who had too many friends? And of the girl who I could never really click with because of the lack of connections?

No, I'm blaming it on myself. I didn't have it in me to let him know that I had feelings for him, and he would've easily picked you anyway. You wanted the changes, how could I selfishly ask you to stay away from what you thought would make you a better person, or whatever else benefits you sought? The social butterfly will always be the social butterfly, and I understand. And that girl who understood when I needed advice most, you never left my side when I needed you.

What lies in me is not regret that we'll never go back to the way we were, but happiness that we had the privilege to share what we did, however brief, and it is exactly what some people pray for all their lives - someone who understands completely - but never live to claim. I have but eternal gratitude to all of you, and there's nothing left to say, except that I mean it when I say that I'll always be here for you if you need me. Always.

The boy who made me see that really, most boys do think with their dicks, full-stop. Y chromosomes must screw you up quite badly. I cannot deny that some part of me will always care for you, no matter how irritatingly scandalous you are, but you taught me what I needed to know about men. You set the bar. You embrace what I never want to see in whoever I wake up in the morning next to in my future. Despite that tiny bit of envy gnawing at me, I wish you happiness with finding the right one for you.

The man who first broke my heart. Yes, you were always a man, will always be a man, and probably are THE man who is my yardstick. I'll never know why I let you walk away, except that perhaps I was too selfishly preoccupied with the things I was dealing with, too in need of someone who would be there for me 24/7 that I easily let someone else take you away from me. What made things worse is that I fell the hardest when I felt the most for you. The conversations in the past are now so blurry, but then, they meant the most to me. Every. single. word.

Maybe you taught me what I find easiest to forget, that there're always gonna be two people involved, and it's never just me, regardless of whether it's family, friends or something more. Sometimes the word 'selfless' just ceases to mean anything to us, except as some propaganda to wave about to the world. I wish I had taken the time to care, learnt to be more patient, and had your heart with me so you couldn't have found it in you to walk away just as I did...

You'll always, always have a piece of me. And I hope that piece will never fade because that is too hard to picture right now. I have enough sadness in my life now; I don't need to think of plausible future situations that will only make me hurt even more. 'I love you's are never empty when it comes to you. You gave it meaning and now, if ever I whisper those three words, they'll never be sweet nothings.

(To be continued later)

There's some quiet agreement that things are different but to bring up the subject is too painful. Definitely not in front of my grandmother. Things are hard, but if it's indeed better for him now, we'll be okay with it. Peace is what most of us spend all our lives searching for, and I'm glad he has the smoothest road possible now. As my sister tells people, he's in heaven with God. :)

For now, it's one hundred days of respect. I'm not to attend any birthdays, funerals, weddings, etc... I'm gonna have to tell Amanda that we can't celebrate our birthday together this year and I can forget about hitting the club. Trinity reckons we're gonna do well this semester. She's probably right too at that.

It was my first funeral, ya know? Before Saturday, I'd never even attended one. And now, I feel so old, like a kid forced to give up the playground, and a tiny bit vulnerable in the hands of fate. Waiting to be dealt the cards, sometimes I really think I'm not prepared to face my own hand, what more the predators out there. I could only break down upon facing the reality that people do come and go.

This is my realisation that 'you don't know what you've got till it's gone'... Don't let it slip away. Don't let someone go without them knowing you care for them. If it's your inclination, if you know that that feeling is real, if you love someone, let them know. There's really nothing you stand to lose. Fucking cliche, but there's no other way to say it.

I'm home till Saturday since I haven't got any classes scheduled for this week. I think I'll just keep to picking up anything else Trinity and I need for our place, and trying to help the family in whatever way I can. I've got Emceedavid's spanking new album that's not even in stores (listening to it now), and I'll review it soon. If you think I reviewed Jason Lo's album fairly, then you ought to know I'd do the same for David's.

Till Saturday, it's a bit of a break from Brisbane for me.

I'm home.

We managed to catch the flight on Wednesday night and arrived Thursday morning after a brief transit in Singapore. It was all surreal. Getting on the plane. Trying to quell the tears that kept coming at the slightest fearful thought. It's altogether blurry now. And I pushed the trolley quietly towards my mother, the usual joy of arriving home absent.

Too late... I came home to my lil bro and Mom, who spilled the news... I wanted for someone to tell me it was not true, but already, there was no denying it. The tears had begun falling.

My grandfather's funeral was today.

I'm really at a loss for words... There's all this pent-up hurt and frustration that I didn't make it back in time. Remembering the last time I saw him alive and well. The silent disbelief registering in my head as he laid there in the coffin. I'm thankful he went peacefully and my uncle reassured me that my grandfather knows I love him but I wish there was a way that somehow, I could've been there to tell him that I love him very much and express my gratitude for everything he's done...

A part of me is still wishing everything will rewind itself. I am not coherent enough now, so I will be back here again soon. For now, please be patient with me... Thanks...

Yesterday was WEIRD.

Communications class was its usual entertaining self. Really, it's the most stimulating. Marketing comes nowhere close to being as good cause really, most of us are not all that susceptible to the little tricks they employ. Some of us just indulge in their little game because we have to. We know you're more expensive, you don't need to shout 'discount'; we just like the way you taste/smell/feel/include your every whim and fancy here.

Then I was on the bus with Trinity and Taqi when someone calls. Briefly, I thought I saw a Malaysian number pop up and dismissed that as ridiculous because only very few times have I received phone calls directly from Malaysia. I answered the call and cause it was noisy, I could hardly hear what he said. He introduced himself as Jason (BTW, that was so 'Sepet' =.=) and I racked my head trying to figure out who I gave my number to. Then it clicked when he said the magic word.

Smashp0p.

OHHH!!!!

Duh. =.=

He pretty much said hi and bye. I aksed him if he was kidding when he said 'bye' and he said 'no', so I said 'bye' as well. Afterwards, Trinity couldn't stop hitting me because honestly, Jason, we never got over that picture of you winking without glasses (and a shirt). Hahaha. If I'm not alive in a couple of days time, you'll all know my cousin has killed me for embarassing her yet again. Dang.

Later in the evening, while we were in the library, we were waiting to check out a book when I catch this guy outside staring at me through the window. I can't believe how rude I was, but I STARED BACK. Okay, so maybe he started being rude first, but I don't know why I responded in kind. Lol. But somehow, after I broke off eye contact and left the place without looking back, I reflected on those few moments, poetry already forming in my head. He had one of those gazes that made you feel as though someone was peering right into your soul but you would somehow feel completely comfortable about it.

Anyway, the whole day was strange. And today was just sleepy. I got up at 7:30 to attend training at a juice bar and well, it paid off. I got the job, woohoo! As a result, I paid a brief visit to Dreamland in Marketing, but I can't bloody help it if I reckon half of us sitting in there already KNOW what she has to say. Ish. Kill me now.

My current obsession: DHT's 'Listen To Your Heart'. I demand all of you listen to it NOW and get hooked! :) Scarily enough, I'm becoming a dance/trance/tech junkie. WHATTTT!

I just bought two textbooks this morning and they cost me over $100... each. :( Tell me that that is no reason to stop trying to live the OC lifestyle, which really for me and Trinity is looking high and low for bagels in this Australian kampung... Come on, we've even got the damn cream cheese sitting in the fridge!

Sometimes, I really do wonder where people's heads are at. Social smoking IS the exact same thing as smoking. Once a week, a fricking month, who cares? There's no such thing as 'I've quit, I'm a social smoker'. Try telling me pigs fly too while you're at it, hmm? I could serve up a million platters of that BS to the plants.

I think the holidays have turned me funny; I can't drink as much as I used to! WEIRD. Don't you reckon there's only one cure for that? ;) Alright, so I was kidding. I had two beers, a Cruiser Black (didn't know they make them) and a so-called Flaming Sambuca. So-called because it wasn't done right. I think I'll wait patiently for my 18th for people to get them right, hehe.

Cruiser Blacks are different from the normal Vodka Cruisers in that they taste like crap. Definitely not my favourite girly drinks. You could probably attribute that to the 7.0% alc but hey, if Smirnoff can taste good at 7.0, so can they, right? If they'd try harder, then they might possibly alter the whole image of girly drinks being wuss drinks and equate it with a higher alc %. BEST!

Saturday was detox night and marks the first occasion I went to Ali's place and did not touch a single drop of alcohol. I deserve a million times kudos for that!

Trinity's gonna try her first Vodka Cruiser soon since I got Tristin to steal one to entice her tastebuds. She'll let you know how good/crap my fav girly drinks are. ;) In the meantime, while I figure out how the hell I can get Internet at an affordable price, here are pictures I shamelessly stole from Trinity. ;)


Have you ever seen such a massive bowl of fries?!


Trinity's new LG Chocolate. Jeles betul. =.=


Campus grounds are barren due to drought, but still lovely. :)


My sister's favourite pose re-enacted by me. Too bad I suck at it!


Trinity looking pretty as usual.


There's something so pink and 'Legally Blonde' about this.

Ahhh... Mondays at uni... Gotta hate them!

Some people laugh and laugh,
and yet you wanna cry.
Some people touch your hand ,
and music fills the sky.

The first time,
I had no contemplation to give my heart away.
None.
And I didn't stay.

The second time,
I thought I had given it away
but I was wrong.
Definitely wrong.

The third time,
I didn't think I would.
But I did.
And without knowing it,
it was mailed back to me.
B-r-o-k-e-n.

I slowly put together
every single jagged piece
that cut into the other.
All stuck determinedly back together.

The fourth time,
I stopped trying to give it
to someone who didn't want it.

Because the tears hurt too much
and I wished I was too stupid
to see through all the lies.
Goodbye.

And the fifth was the same.
Only ten-fold the pain,
and twenty times the salty rain.

The sixth time,
Something in me
stopped trying to give,
only adamant to receive.

And the empty feeling
of knowing that this time it wasn't mine breaking
resulted.
Resounded.

An empty game of 'pass the parcel',
except it's my heart going around.
When the music stops,
No one wants to hold it.
No one wants to keep it.