I'm not even in the mood for chocolate... That's how horrible I feel. I can eat it but it'll taste the same as paper, water... My head is spinning a little, stomach contents are swimming about, and if ever I felt so senseless in my entire life, I don't remember it...

I can't answer why, or how, or even when... All I know is I did something so wrong last night that I can't fix it, and I don't remember throwing all my beliefs and principles out the window. I want them back. I want to say that I didn't screw things up, but my actions were completely contradictory to my words.

At times like these, I really wonder if I know who I am and whether I am doing anything right.

THE boy*: Start on your assignment. If not, no wine for you tonight!

Before I go on further, yeah, we've gone back to becoming friends. Actually, I'm not sure we were ever friends. But we are now. I guess it's time to get rid of his nickname.

Well, we made an agreement that if THE boy* Nick finishes his assignment tonight, we're gonna get a bottle of red wine with dinner. But he forgets that I am indeed the queen of procrastination who has yet to start her essay that's due on Thursday. Even if Tuesday is a public holiday, Wednesday is a full day from 11-6. I haven't even called my supervisor to tell her that I won't be working on Thursday and Friday, what with handing in my assignment on Thursday right before it's due, and replacement class and my presentation on Friday. Yeah, I haven't started that either, though I'm positive that can be written in an hour tops. It's not confidence, it's just that history speaks for itself; I always come through for assignments.

Nick: Like you said, you need to change your attitude and start working on it.

Me: Big deal. I always say it. I bet the people who are close to me have heard it enough, they're gonna start saying it in their sleep.

Come Wednesday night, I'll shoot myself for my insolence. I'm way too stubborn for my own good when it comes to being just a bit more organised about schoolwork, but funnily enough, I can easily make way for other stuff with no textbooks involved to happen, happen, happen. Like that party on Monday night. I said I'll go if I manage to start my assignment. Wanna bet that I'll be able to start it?

Of course, the definition of 'starting' is a little flexible, don't you think? ;)

Have you ever felt that sorry doesn't cut what you truly feel..? It's like you can say it over and over again, keep banging your head against that brick wall, and you'd still feel that it doesn't show how sorry you are.. Ultimately, words seem to fail..

I'm sorry...

I stared at the rattan chair, studying the patterns that the maker wove and then suddenly, there was a hole. Empty. Broken. Staring at it made me feel like... I could fall, and I could get away from what I wanted. Just tell him that I didn't want to talk after all, and run, run, run... Run home. Run anywhere.

But of course, I couldn't... Not when he was looking over at me silently. Not when he grabbed my arm and demanded to know what was wrong. I thought, don't make me say it. Please don't. I heard my strained voice tell him to wait for our drinks, like I wasn't there and I was just listening to a recording of my voice. Look anywhere. Avoid his inquistive looks. I hid my face in my hands; it was impossible trying to pretend I wasn't carrying this weight in me that I was about to unleash. And then the dreaded drinks arrived and he told me to just say what I thought...

I took a deep breath and nothing came out. I tried again. And I was successful. But God, success hurt this time...

The talking began... escalated... and then it died. Because it was pointless. Circles ending back at the same point. It died down to mere looks and avoiding him and the simple strangers. I wish I hadn't seen the hurt on your face, the pain, and the anguish... cause I knew I was causing all that. If before I had never known I had that capacity, it hit me in full force today.

We tried to go around this. We both did. But I was the one tired of looking for a way around it, and only wanted the green exit sign to flash at me. If only it hadn't asked for so much in return. Blunt. Rude. Outright. Honest. Be mean and a complete bitch. I'm sorry I hurt you... I'm sorry that I can't stay and be the one that makes you happy... I'm sorry you thought the world of me only to have me tell you that I'm someone who has to go...

It's not that we're wrong.... We're just not right.

If two people were happy and together in an empty room, they would still have the most amazing time of their lives...

We're not those two people. All I did was realise it sooner than you did and I know you'll know I'm right, if you don't already know it.. Don't hope to turn back time. Don't wish for yesterday. Don't tell yourself it's a dream. We didn't own up to the truth yesterday..

We did today...

Sorry this post is a day late; I was extremely tired last night. Got up at 7 after managing to sleep at 2ish (I've been having difficulty sleeping these past few nights) to cook the surprise breakfast for THE boy* and his siblings. Well, I would feel weird if I only made breakfast for him! :P













I caught the bus, and then walked to THE boy*'s place. I got to the door and gave him a call. He was still asleep (it was 9 am), lol, and I told him to open the door. And ooh!!



I thought the rose was fake since the leaves looked so shiny. Then I touched the petals and smelled it. :)



After he ate, we watched Bleach for awhile, since it was too early for lunch.



Since he said he wanted to do more reading, we headed to Myer and bought Dan Brown's Angels and Demons. Lunch was Japanese.



Then, I said, "Let's go to Chinatown for tau foo fa!" We took the bus there, and guess what? The bloody shop was closed. Grr.. So we went to the supermarket instead and I got gui ling gao, black herbal jelly, and he got nata de coco. We sat on the bench, ate, and talked. Later I proposed we go to Gloria Jean's.



I fell asleep leaning on his shoulder while hugging Nick the bear. I didn't squish the rose! :)





Uni friends saw us at the restaurant and figured that it was the anniversary from the bear. Then we caught the train and I caught another bus home cause I was too tired to walk. I'm glad I didn't fall asleep standing up.

It was a good day with THE boy*. :)

Well, work today was alright. Straightforward enough. After 3 hours of work today, I'm now sick of sushi. Noooo... :( Well, I'll never be sick of the sushi back home so long as Genki's continues serving Spider Temakis and Genki Makis. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry when I was told to smile more at the end of my shift. My facial muscles were aching already! I really think the supervisor wasn't looking when I was smiling or I'm meant to smile when I'm actually packing the sushi. :P

That's it, guys! Back to work tomorrow again. I hope I don't show my disgust for sushi to the customers. :P

AHH!H! I have a trial at Hanaichi, a sushi deli, on Thursday! W00T! I can see lots of future shopping trips... if I get the job, of course. :) This is turning out to be a pretty good day. And I helped this man who has walking difficulties with his groceries. I suddenly realised that learning Moral in high school in Malaysia instilled this in me. All the times I thought it was useless. I still don't think that they should test us on it, but it is a beneficial subject. :)

Well, last night, I brought up some really bad memories from the past to Trinity and she made me see sense again. Don't know what I'd be without her. Maybe I'd be locked up in a psychiatric ward already, tee-hee. Yay for sisters! Our talk last night lasted till 3:30 in the morning so I woke up at close to noon. Had lunch and started on another book. I swear these books are addictive and they're keeping me from my assignments!

Lalala. No, they're not self-help books. :P They're worse. Chick lit. I have a weakness for books like this. They make me laugh, sigh, cry, but then the ones that leave the biggest impression in me are ultimately books by Jeffrey Archer, Sidney Sheldon, Dan Brown or anyone who has a similar writing style. But I have my defence. Chick lit books are cheaper. I bought 3 for 10 bucks, and a Dan Brown book costs at least 13 bucks.

I'm a cheapskate. So? Ever heard the saying 'a girl will pay a dollar for a 2 dollar item she doesn't need and a guy will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he needs'? They based it on girls like me when they invented it.

Anyway, it seems the 1st month anniversary is gonna be all about food. Well, that's all the two of us have covered. I'll have to fill you guys in on that at the end of tomorrow.

Hope you guys had a fine Tuesday! :)

P/S: Eddie's right. I am happy. This post oozes positivity and energy! But I don't know why. It must be simply because it's the holidays!

Changed my header 'cause I got sick of the picture. As per before, I linked the old header on my side bar.

It's the Easter hols and I'm bloody restless, itching to go out even though I'm broke. I told my older brother that I shall forgo shopping twice (how stupid of me, it's the hols!) so that he can go ahead and buy the Need for Speed steering wheel. It's not that I'm going to mail him my money; I just see it as someone spending less from the common pool (parents, even though he doesn't exactly depend on my parents anymore) so that another person can spend more. *shrug* Well, it's not too pricey anyway.

And I discovered that a liking for tequila (or plainly enough, alcohol) might just run in the family. Wow, brilliant. I now have an excuse for my party indulgences. This works out very well! It even works hand in hand with that distant relative from China's claim that all our family members have a high alcohol tolerance level, despite the fact that he was tipsy that night. He had, after all, consumed the majority of two bottles of red wine in his excitement of toasting everyone.

Now, I ought to plan the week right. Nothing is planned for today except slacking off, because I am a bum. What a shameless confession. I will be either reading, watching movies or chatting on MSN today. Tomorrow, I shall start reading my assignment materials, since it's virtually impossible to write that bloody essay without doing that beforehand. Depression is prevalent among women. Doh. Talk about stating the obvious.

Wednesday, I'm meeting THE boy* cause it marks our one month. I can't believe how long it's been. Someone smack me. It feels wrong! No, not that I would like to break up with him now, just that.. ONE MONTH!! It sounds like a long time to me. I used to think that one month is nothing for a relationship, and the back of my head still says yes, that is jack all, but my heart's still going WTFThisCan'tBeRight.

Sorry.

Thursday, assignment. Friday, assignment. Fuck, the rest of the week, assignments. How sad. Well, that's for promising that I won't go shopping. Maybe I can cheat? Go to Harbour Town in Gold Coast instead to shop? Argh, this is where reason kicks in: you fool. You need to buy your train ticket. And shopping in Australia is never cheap. Do you realise that rent is due next week? If you run out by then, you need to ask mom for $$$ and thus explain where the heck it all went. Which is bad cause you don't know. Well, you do, but thinking it over, you know you didn't need to spend half that you did. You really are stupid, aren't you?

Er.. okay. Never mind. But the hols... :( I don't want this week to run away so soon! Grrr. I want to go somewhere! Gold Coast! Argh. Somewhereeeeeeeee... over the rainbow would be good. And if there's a pot of gold at the end... *WHACK!!*

Alright, I'll stop. This week's gonna be the crappiest holiday ever.

WAIT!! What do people do for their one month's anyway?! I've never done this before! *panic* Do they declare their undying... wait, never mind. That is a no-go path. Er.. do they make presents for each other? Because I'm bad with gifts. Shit, fuck, someone shoot me. Umm.. *wails!!!* We're not bloody married! Okay, I dunno why I said that. Of course we're not, doh. *Looks around room for something, anything*. *Bad idea, there's only my bed (NO =.=), my clean.. umm.. 'garments' (NO), irrelevant stuff on my table*.

HELP!! Someone counsel this inexperienced person... :( Do people treat one month's like Valentine's??!

Tonight's been a weird night...

It calls for that Vodka Cruiser in my cupboard. I don't give a shit that it's not cold.

Kthxbai.