My blog (this is not where I tell you the definition of blog) has always existed as my hideout, the place where I can say what I like. A few people read it: the friends I can see everyday, the friends I don't often meet (eg, Pris in UK, *hugs*), and random strangers. Writing gives me release, and I don't foresee a day when I will stop doing so. Some people can't wait for the time when they can drink, dance, talk to their mates, and I do all that, but I also write. Maybe sometimes I blog for an audience (the BlogsMalaysia post), which is rare, or for my friends that share my joy and pain (like the parties, and the meetings), but that's separate from my normal everyday stuff, where I may be selfishly going on about me.

But there'll always be stuff that you want to keep to yourself. This is where I reiterate you won't read about every single thing that goes on in my life here. I don't happily disclose secrets that people trust me enough to tell me here. I won't tell you about every messy ordeal in my life here just because I need to release it all out. Not everything is meant to be public. So if you think that I will blog about something just because it will earn me more readership, think again. I'm not shallow. I'm not that open with everything, because some things aren't meant to be out there.

I don't need to display anything for it to be real.

So if you were wondering why, you know now.

Too sleepy to write anything big, so I'll regurgitate some stuff from last night and add a little bit. I skipped dance class today too, since it's a rainy day and it makes everyone a lazy arse, so shush. It's not just me. :P

And I didn't write this:

Some people laugh and laugh,
and yet you wanna cry.
Some people touch your hand,
and music fills the sky...

One of my cousin's friends, Joanne, wrote that. I never got to know her well, but she wrote those words in one of my books and I love them. They're the very ones I left in our senior magazine last year. It just gives me a warm feeling, knowing that there are people out there who can make us feel like breaking into song suddenly, smile as we remember them, and bring warmth that puts a summer day to shame.

ARGHH.. exam on Saturday. My first uni exam and I need to study really hard. Gotta do well in Psychology if I want to prove my parents wrong. Currently, I do think that it is my easiest subject (considering that I know nothing about the others :P). I just need to read the questions properly. A bit hard to do, because I'm one of those annoying people who breezes through exams. Hah, I remember the driving theory test the best! 6 minutes! Lol.

And I did pass it, if you were wondering. 48/50. :P

I've got a job interview tomorrow for I-don't-even-know-what. This woman called me  today and her words were really garbled. I know she said it's being held at a place in the city that I know of, but I sure as hell don't remember dropping off ANY resumes in that place. Well, just because they know my name, they obviously have my resume, and I need a job, so I'll be there. Hehe.

I think there's a test. She said to bring a pen. Argh, as if I need to do another test before Saturday, but ah well. Stupid that the exam's on Saturday too, I'm definitely not used to that! Uni is definitely proving to be interesting, if anything. :)

Dinner time. :)

Argh, I have to retype my post. Fuckkkk! :P Okay, I'm only doing the last bit now cause it's almost 2 am.

A day of coffee, sweaty palms and crossing roads,
holding onto each minute,
every second and more tiny bits
before the final goodbye
savouring each embrace.

Every memory to be replayed
like a record no one tires of,
and the world was revolving just for the two...

If it could have been any sweeter
you wouldn't have known it...

I wrote this just then. :)

19 March:

Okay, I'm meant to be studying now, but fuck it. I have lots of time tomorrow. Err.. so yes, need to give you guys a full account of last night, so you can happily pretend like the last post doesn't exist, but it really stands as testimony to how sick I felt this morning, lol.

Hmm.. I took the train to Roma Street Parklands to meet up with other Malaysian students at a BBQ. Met Ashley, a girl from Johor, on the train and her housemates and so we went together. Having been there before, I knew my way around so I led the way to the venue.

Whoa, now I never knew UQ had that many Malaysian students! It was just a bit shocking, but it was so good to hear all the different dialects again, surprise people with the fact that I'm Chinese, speak Hokkien, yay! And there was yummy food, but I didn't have much cause I didn't feel like eating. Wow, now that's shocking too, isn't it? ;) Next week: mahjong with a few people I met yesterday, woohoo!

Then, I took a train to the city, and caught a bus to Carey's house. It was pretty easy to find after she gave me directions. Nicky came to meet me, and gosh, I haven't seen her in centuries! She's got the more gorgeous short hair now! She used to have the loveliest long jet black hair, but she still looks as pretty as ever!

So let me see. I got to the house and first thing I said was, I'm hungry. :P Hey, I can't help myself. These are my mates, and they know me for the big eater I am, lol. So they feed me chips, tell me that the pizza will be here soon. I smartly decided not to take Ali's offer on punch, cause it's obvious it had alcohol in it, haha.

I rubbed it in Chanan's face that the BBQ was good and he told me that the karaoke was bad. Lol, his loss, evidently! At some point, Mel sidles up to me and I think, okayyy, that's very different. Actually, she just thought I was Karen. She would've ignored me the entire night otherwise.

So we drink and dance. See, this is when I got pissed off. Chanan let slip that Mel said to him that I want him and he should go over and dance with me. What the fuck is all that about, woman?! Fucking hell. She was so off her face, but that is no excuse. Shit. I wasn't the one ranting on and on about going to cheat on my boyfriend while I'm in Japan, what makes you think that you can make me out to be some cheap whore?

Fuck you, okay. Just fuck you. If I never see you again, I know it won't be my loss. I'll be grateful in fact. Being drunk does not give you the right to say shit about me. Bitch.

20 March:

Sorry, guys, gotta continue off from last night cause I was distracted. I swear, MSN's evil! :)

Now where was I? Oh, that's right. So she ended up puking all over the tub, and passing out on the bathroom floor. Her parents picked her up and that's it. I'm praying that's the last time I'll ever see her. If her mates hold a farewell party for her (I hope you guys hear this from others, someway or other), don't invite me. I have no reason to want to see her again. I refuse to be someone else's punching bag.

Hmmm... a whole bunch of us then proceeded to sit on the porch, talking crap that made sense. Haha, did I lose you there? Well, basically, we were a bit drunk, so whatever random topics that came up, we just added our 2 cents and somehow, they even made sense. Doesn't matter that some of us can't remember what we talked about, it ended up pretty deep and meaningful.

Lol, there are of course the silly bits like when Tom declared his love for Darryl, but only because Darryl's funny. I stress here that they are both not gay. And when the guys helped me up the stairs and I told them one of my boots felt broken, they yelled at me that I was paranoid. That is of course until I showed it to them. Haha, I'm not too bad drunk after all.

This is a tip to all the people who think they can drink and therefore guzzle down anything that comes their way: don't mix your alcohol. Learn it from me. I know now that Smirnoff, Bacardi, Midori, Caramel Mudshake and Absolut aren't best friends. Quite far from it, oopsies. :P

I crashed on the bed at 1:30 am. I have no recollection of getting down the stairs. I remember looking over at the guys who were talking about coaching soccer and being very amused. The next thing I know, I open my eyes, all is quiet and it is 5:30 in the morning. Nicky and Tristin are awake and I slowly find out what sillyness I got up to last night. Lol, thank God for mates who take care of me!

By the way, I'm sorry for stealing all you guys' drinks. Sorry! Umm.. especially guilty to Carey cause I only found out later that the Midori was your birthday present. I'm so sorry, girl! I hope you had enough to drink before I uh.. grabbed the bottle and made everyone have shots with me.. Or whatever you'd like to call it.. Arghhh, sorry sorry! I shall make it up to you guys when I'm 18! And I'm sorry my birthday is in November, lol.

McD's breakfast rocks! Even at 6:30 in the morning when all of us are dead!

My two girls back in boarding, it was really good to see you guys again. I'm sorry about skipping the movie and Greek yogurt, I'll make it up to you! I'll go back to school one day when I feel like walking up that stupid hill, okay?

Whoever had to put up with my crap that night, I am very sorry, and extremely grateful. Yayyy, I hope to see you guys again and really catch up. Karen, I think you were the least intoxicated of the group that sat at the porch, so congratulations! And thanks for calling me a peaceful drunk, you're the only one nice enough to do that. Lol, the next party should be at your house, woot! Chanan should be congratulated too for being good, since I still remember what happened the last time. :P And Darryl should be a permanent fixture in all our future parties! Anna, the queen of dancing! Yeah!

Ali and Carey, thanks for an awesome party, and making sure I didn't die sometime that night. And everyone else, you guys rock. Sorry this is such a long list, lol. Well guys, that was the 18th March night that ended up a bit messy, very drunk, but funnn! And in my books, fun is all a party needs to be to be the best!

Hope your Saturday night was mad fun, like mine! :)

This is so wtf. I can't see my last posts on my blog.

I'm having this thing now where I can see my hands flying all over the keyboard but it's like I'm watching a movie. I need sleep. I can't remember what time I crashed. Literally crashed. I hate fucking Midori. It looks like washing detergent and tastes like it too. No more linking arms, downing shit, and talking about love, guys. It's not healthy or sane.

What I mean is yes, link arms, and down good stuff. I mean.. ermm.. I lost that thought.

Sorry if I don't make sense. I woke up at like 5:30 and made everyone go to McD's for breakfast and caught the bus and walked back here. I was told to eat, drink water, and rest. I just had a hot milo, I want water, and want to sleep. So, tonight, I'll explain what the fuck I just ranted about.

I think I'm gonna hurl. Be back later.

Oh, I think I sound like theZEBRA. Maybe cause I know exactly how she feels.

How long has it been this way...? I've honestly lost count of the days that this has been going on. Because I hate them...

You say I see things my way so stubbornly. Why is it I can say the same thing about you? You have such a fixed view that it'll work out. You've told me that my preception of myself is skewed. I can lash back that no one knows myself better than I do. But no, you have to be right about it all, don't you? It's stopped being about me a long time ago. It's you... Please realise that it isn't going nowhere, and save the time, effort, feelings for someone else.

Even if I don't take that many chances, and you chastise me for that, it's just one of the things that I can't change about myself. I can't change the principles I live by just in the blink of an eye, and if I could, I probably won't... There're so many reasons why this wouldn't work, and maybe you don't see them as deterrents, but I do, and we all know it takes two to tango.

I haven't learned the lesson that it's always better to have someone who loves you than someone you love, and I probably never will. But I hope you will... Because I've been in your shoes and I've hated it. But I can't help you out of them. Call me a selfish bitch. Blame me. At this point, I'm beyond the point of caring how wrong I am.

If you really love someone, you'll never say goodbye over something like this. Things like this happen everyday and people get over them, but what you're doing is telling me we can't. It only shows how much you thought our friendship was worth, that working past this is not something you're willing to do...

Tell me you don't miss the past, and I'll tell you that fine, I'll let our friendship go and say my goodbye. Because I do. I miss the times you used to write all about C, the complications before you guys made it together, show me her picture, tell me she's so beautiful, pretend to be mad that she's a shopaholic... The fun times. All the talk about music. Coffee. Life. Relationships. Everything.

So... can it all go back to the way it was..? Please?

Happy St. Patrick's Day! No, I didn't wear green today. I forgot until I saw all the green balloons, okay?

You know your nail polish is shit when it looks better in the bottles than on your damn nails, and when the glitter won't go away even after you rub it so vigorously with the cotton pad soaked with nail polish remover. Arghhh. Kill cheap nail polish that makes everything cheap look bad!

My download of the OC episode is finally done, except it won't play. :( This is not fair! I didn't wait 3 days for that last 1% to download for it to display some error message on my media player! Plus, I've bitched enough about the Australian broadband (JOKE!) that refuses to move (dial-up speed lar) after the 10GB download limit is exceeded. Hello, 5 computers in the house, as if it wouldn't exceed 10 GB after 12 days!! I'm telling you, they're cons! :P

And it doesn't help that my MSN disconnects every 5 seconds thanks to the crappy Internet, grrr..

Oh, and if you see me online on Monday or Tuesday (I insist that blogging is a different matter), shoot me. Give me a lecture. Tell me you hate me. Do anything. Just make sure I hit the books because they're my 'school nights'. All work and no play to make me a dull chick till Wednesday evening.

Actually, I'm meant to be studying now. Whatever.

Tomorrow's gonna be a longggggggg day. There's the BBQ for Malaysian students at Roma Street Parklands at 4 pm (weird time!), and then I head off to Carey's 18th birthday party. Long overdue, since she's been 18 since Feb. And been clubbing every weekend since, lol.

Chanan has already decided to ditch the BBQ for the Hong Kong Students' Karaoke. Argh, how can you do this to me the Malaysian community?! And this comes right after I write something so patriotic on my blog. Irony!

And Leonard, you are not meant to be asleep at 4 pm! Stop playing those stupid games till 4 am! Admittedly, that's a bit rich coming from me, but this isn't a time to be righteous... and I'm only up till 3! ;)

Jeez, what is wrong with people these days... =.=

Right, now thanks to me introducing Ryan to Tucker Max, I need to give way. He needs his... daily fix. 

*cough* Addicted! *cough* :P