I was in the middle of a round of pool with Ryan.

Then I chose the wrong song. It reminded me of you. So much. Every beat, every damn thing about it. Maybe because it is almost the exact same one that made me feel something stirring within me. To know that someone out there was actually listening and knew me better than so many others... It's the pulling factor.

For the past few days, I've sometimes found myself wondering how you are. If you're alright, if you know that someone is always gonna be here for you. But today, I just couldn't help but wonder what could've been...

But then I've always known that there was no foundation to start with... I just happily discarded that in my head with the tiniest hope that just maybe... maybe...

Suddenly I realised that there were so many other things out there just calling out to me. And I'm prepared, ready for anything that comes my way.

It was my turn. I got up, picked the furthest ball that was mine to drop and whacked the white ball as hard as I could.

I could hear the last strains of the song that slowly begun to fade.

The yellow ball went in.

Ryan turned around in shock and said, "Good shot."

I just smiled.

When you really think things over and wonder if they could have been any different or if you could've made them turn out better than they currently are... it's more than wondering if you screwed yourself over, but also, did you screw anyone else over in the process?

I hate revisiting the past. I hate knowing I've hurt so many people before, and that it's never easy to accept the way things are. I hate that I know what it's like to be in their shoes, and it fucking sucks.

I can only hope that they've healed and moved on with life.

Moving onto more positive stuff, a certain big bro of mine in Melbourne seems to believe in love at first sight now that he has been hit by it. Gosh, I make it sound like a disease. :P The way he talks about her... it would make every girl envious and wish that they were that exact girl. She's on a pedestal, and I think she'll be there for awhile.

It really got me to thinking if sparks or fireworks are really that important. Should it be present for it to be real? I got really frustrated at this point, wanting to bash something in. Why should all these books dictate the way it should be? Why should there even be a precedent that we all want to follow? Why are we giving a flying fuck what all these writers think anyway?

Damn you, romance writers. Shouldn't sincerity, honesty and decency be appreciated more than fucking fireworks that won't last throughout the relationship anyway? Maybe some relationships will, but there can only be so many of you out there. Excuse my bitterness, okay? I'll damn romance movies like The Notebook here too. You're creating illusions, making us delusional fuckwits, and I detest you for that. No one is going to be perfect by your books (literally) so why should we submit to you anyway? :(

I hate being made to feel completely useless and stupid. I know I've done so much wrong in my life but this is currently one of the more pressing shit that I need to get off my chest.

Yeah, that I fucking hate romance writers and movie makers.

P/S: Sorry, I had initially meant this to be a happy post that everyone will go 'awww..' at. Really. :P

Dad had his flight home last night and I think he was a bit emotional when he dropped me off. But I spent a good few days with him and I actually got him to listen about... 3/4 of what I said. That's actually good, really, since during the holidays that I was back home, Dad was either at the office, busy with work, angry at me because of my results, or asking me about my future, which I was and still am quite clueless about. But that's a topic for another day. Or never. Preferably the latter, yay.

Make my rainbows last long after they appear.

Tell me, am I supposed to make notes from the required reading every week? :( I'm obviously new to this, and I have no idea if it's gonna help but I can tell you that I'm tired of writing 8 pages of notes for like 9 pages of the textbook. Seriously, there is only so long that nerd mode can last! Here, I predict that it will last till next week at the very latest, with lots of aid from coffee, good music, and inspiration. Okay, fine, make that in 3 days time, when my 4-day weekend starts again! I'll concentrate on finding a job then.

So hurry! If you want me to study well, send me that damn chocolate fondue set and enough chocolate to last me till June!

Actually, I did see one today at a cafe/bookshop, but it said 'Fondue for 2', the obvious romantic kind suitable for a couple sitting by candlelight. Damn you, stupid fondue set makers, for condemning me to a state of no fondue! I hope the couple who buys it like seeing their partner's teeth covered in chocolate, hmmph!

As you can see, bitter dark chocolate is my exact cup of tea, or rather, bar of chocolate. Family size, thanks!

Mmm... I've finally started talking to one of the boys from Hong Kong living next to me, Eddie. He seems like a really nice guy that wants to learn English very much. And he likes Liverpool so plus 1 billion points! Well, he doesn't know many people that can speak Cantonese here or who comes from Hong Kong so I'm arranging for him to meet Anna.

And again, I had to explain that I am Malaysian Chinese and not Malay. Look fellas, it's not that hard to understand.

Malaysian = nationality. Chinese = race. Not every Malaysian = Malay.

Ryan's still not used to the idea of Malay not being the short form of Malaysia. Wrong, dude, so wrong! Now everytime I mention home, he goes, "Oh, you mean Malay... sia?"

He'll be well acquainted with our country's name in no time.

I imagine it'll be funny for him to pronounce Kenny Sia.

Here are actual excerpts from my Psychological Research Methodology course outline:

Report Re-mark: 'On the form you have to clearly state why you think you deserve more or fewer marks (It's funny, you know, but we've never received a request demanding that the mark should go down)"

'Anyone who aims to score the minimum pass mark (50%) is very foolish and deserves to fail.'

'As more and more animated and interactive material is added (to the website), attempting to print the material will be come a more and more futile exercise, rather like trying to print a video or printing out the words to "Ode to Joy" thinking that it will capture the soul of Beethoven's 9th. So don't try to print out any web pages that do not have a white background."

"Please turn off mobile phones. It is the height of bad manners to leave mobile phones switched on when attending any lecture or tutorial, just as it is in a restaurant, cinema or theatre. It is even worse to actually use the damn things."

"If you conscientiously and dilligently follow the above advice (attend tutorials, study, etc.), your popularity will soar, fame and fortune will come your way, your love life will flourish but, most important of all, you will pass the course. If you ignore the above advice, the chances are that your personal hygiene will suffer, you will develop a nasty little rash, your beloved will run off with your best friend, your family will disown you but, worst of all, you will fail PSYC1040."

As you can see, or rather, conclude yourself, I have a lecturer with a very dry sense of humour.

I got to the lecture theatre, watched him set up his equipment for 10 minutes while reading the outline and cracking up, listened to him talk for another 20 minutes before he asked us if we had any questions. And that was it. A 2 hour lecture done in 30, or rather 20 minutes.

Earlier in the day, I had my first Political Science lecture, and I chose not to sit with those in a group who already know each other cause chances are, I'd get ignored and if I missed out on anything during the lecture, I'd be screwed. So I sat next to a guy who wasn't sitting next to anyone and I noticed later that he had a slight resemblance to Daniel Radcliffe. Name sound familiar? Think Harry Potter.

And I saw a girl from my old high school. Previously anorexic and now obviously, no longer anorexic. Actually, that became obvious about a month before school ended. Anyway, she was part of a group in my old high school that thought being anorexic were their badges of honour. Ridiculous, really. How insulting to food. Food is meant to be enjoyed, not avoided! Well, at least it's better than bulimics. Throwing up food voluntarily, bah!

See, I can guarantee that with my never-ending love affair with food, and cravings for chocolate that hit me often enough, I will never become anorexic and/or bulimic. How's that for the girlfriend resume, eh? You will never have to suffer from me telling you that I'm hungry but can't eat (not 24/7), listen to me throw up (well, voluntarily), or tell you to get food out of my face (because I've never done that).

Sorry, digressed. Going back to uni now. :) 

Since the psychology lecture ended so early, I had 4 hours to spare before dance class. Signed up for the last tutorial that just made Wednesday no longer 12-6 pm, but an 11-6 pm day. Fuck, here's to hoping I don't just die on the dancefloor during dance class. I had just exited the library when Ivan and Leigh, ex-seniors from my high school called out to me. We talked awhile and then I just read my book as we sat on the grass in the Great Court.

You know how some people like to give pompous names to crappy places? Well, the Great Court really is great. It's massive, surrounded by the buildings that never fail to awe me, and the view is absolutely magnificient. People just sleep there between lectures and there was a guy juggling away. Strange, but very fascinating.

Then at 6:30 pm, my dance class started. The turnout was very impressive; there might just have been over a hundred of us. I saw Tom who is currently doing Law and we paired up. What we learnt was Latin dancing, and it was really fun. Though we learnt the first few steps together, the girls had to then swap and move to the next guy on the right. So every girl danced with at least 20 guys and vice versa for the guys!

By the time it ended, I was exhausted and caught the bus feeling quite happy. However, when I got back to the house, I found out that Ryan had forgotten to tell his mom that I would be back late so there was no dinner for me. Arghhh.. so I gave him lots of good whacks and scolding and whipped up something mom had taught me while I was back home. Well actually, I had forgotten it, but mom sent me an sms today with all the instructions. Yay for mom!

Third day of uni down, first week over. Now onto my first 4-day weekend!

Is it me or are people using the phrase 'Tom, Dick or Harry' more often after that Cheney incident?

Just a thought.

Ya know, anyone can buy rubber bands and make paper bullets...

Question: what is my blog without my emo words?

Answer: absolutely nothing. ;)

So this is a line.. well, two lines, from 'Imagine Me & You':

'Don't forget me.'

'I won't remember anything else.'

Ahhh.. is the hair on the back of your neck standing on its ends? Good. Cause it's going to stay that way as I present to you the last little bit of cam-whoring the three little brats did:

Remember those shirts with the faces at the back and the emotions? Weren't they all Calvin's face? From 'Calvin and Hobbes'? Anyway, since I can't recall, let me present to you the Pis little story version, entitled Our Many Faces:

This is the hello, introduction to main characters: Alynna, Trinity and Jeremy.

Mmm, the yummy and seductive 'come closer' look. Works like a charm everytime...

WHAT! They fell for it?!

Hahaha, this almost never happens!

Oops, didn't mean to say that! Better divert their attention! Look up!

Eh, nothing? Really?

Check properly, or we're gonna bash you if you're wrong!

Oh really? There's nothing? Er... peace!

Whew... We'd better show them our cute faces so that they know we mean business peace:

Okay, I think they fell for it, guys. Now back to our normal faces:

Crap, wrong picture. This one was meant to be hung outside our house with the 'Strangers Will Be Bitten' sign. For good measure, it's out with the normal faces and in come the angelic faces:

See, Jeremy only succeeds in looking lan-si. You're ruining the pic, LittlePi! Can't you do a more juvenile pose to show you're harmless? You can? Oh, we can do that one too!

Well, until June where the three of us will be reunited with a camera...

Be afraid...

Be VERY afraid.

*** THE END! ***

/insert applause here

/IT'S A WRAP!

Here's Part 1 of the Three Two Little Pis with special guest appearance by LittlePi. :)

I've decided that I really don't like creepy bald men smiling at me like they just saw a sign that says 'free porn' from their vans as I'm munching on my breakfast. Makes me feel like I'm their breakfast.

Today, not one, not two, but THREE buses drove past me. Well, I didn't run back to the house this time. I waited for a few more minutes and the 4th bus stopped. YES! Even if I had to stand at the make-shift cargo area, which made me feel like everyone's eyes were on me. I examined myself a couple of times. Button, check. Jeans, check. Hair, who gives a crap? Yup, I was myself. I automatically shut myself down to Fort Minor for the rest of the journey.

The 'Introduction to Psychology' lecturer has clearly established that he hates Britney Spears. He had three photos of her in his slideshow and unabashedly dissed her.

Slide shows cover of People magazine with Britney, Kevin, and Sean (the baby)

'Yeah, sure she doesn't like photos of her baby taken... FREE photos.'

And a picture of Britney and Kevin

'It used to be Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's photo, cause ya know, I thought they were gonna last forever. But now, it's Britney and Kevin.'

Nice.

I've yet to buy my textbooks since I want to attend all my lectures and be sure of which I really need, but already I hear of people hitting the books. For 2 hours, no less. And probably only with ONE damn book. Look, if I had any authority and you're one of those guilty of that crime, you would be locked in a room with 'Crazy Frog' playing non-stop for at least 24 hours on full blast! No less!

Now, tomorrow's the dreaded day with 2 lectures back to back; Modern Political Ideologies and Psychological Research Methodology. 4 lousy hours. Thank God there are no tutorials in the first week, or I'd be suffering for another 2 hours. Still, I have to wait from 4 till 6:30 pm for the dance workshop to start. Argh, no... 

Maybe I can 'unconsciously' blow it off like I did with the Fitness First appointment today... Nope, can't be lazy! This will be fun, right?? I mean, it has to be better than trudging to the gym, since I didn't have time the other day to sign up for football...

Damn, what did I get myself into!

You know you're disorganised when you make it to your first ever lecture, take your seat gratefully, and then suddenly realise that you have no clue which lecture this is.

What an embarassing confession. Next!

Well, the day kicked off with me rushing to the bus-stop after quickly gobbling down my sandwich, only to find out that Ryan gave me the wrong bus times. So I waited. And waited. When I finally spotted the bus, I put out my hand...

The bus just goes past me like I'm invisible. And I'm left staring at it, completely dumbfucked, as it makes its way to my uni with everyone else who will make it on time.

So I decide to calm down. Maybe the next bus will come NOW, just magically appear like the one from Harry Potter (Pris, someone, help me here. Isn't there the word 'Knight' in it?) and I'll be ever so thankful...

When another bus just goes past again.

God help me if I ever meet those bus drivers!

(At this point, I don't care that I don't even know what they look like)

So I had to catch a lift from Ryan, who informed me that the buses don't stop when they're full. Well, screw that, I don't care if I have to sit on someone's lap and break their legs in the process, I want to make it to uni on time!

Now, fast-forward to the lecture. I quickly search my bag for my schedule and oh, it's Introduction to International Relations. Should be interesting.

Well, I was right. And it also made me feel very inferior, stupid and ignorant. Forget about my barely-noticeable blonde streaks now, I ought to just bleach my head blonde to let everyone know, especially the lecturer, that I have no idea what the Cold War is about, sovereign to me just sounds like a nice word to put in front of state, and that I wasn't here in Australia in 2001 (or 2002, whatever) when the whole 'children overboard' happened, so I had no clue what that damn picture was all about until he let us know.

Ask me about the shit that's hit the fan in Malaysia, and maybe I'd have just the briefest idea. Heck, ask me about bird flu (or not). Dammit, and he goes on to say that there is no assumed knowledge for this course. Could've fooled me, buddy.

Bitching aside, he is a very charismatic speaker. I was only drowsy and daydreaming because of my medication. If only he'd stop pacing about. I find it hard concentrating on someone with authority (like a lecturer) speaking if I'm not looking at them, so my neck was slowly feeling the pain. I hope I don't burst out one day at him to stop that annoying habit.

I don't know if I'm cut out for this class. I don't know if I'll be able to cope. Looking at the reading list made me a bit faint. Then again, I suppose uni was never meant to be easy. I do enjoy classes like this with discussions about real issues, looking beyond your own viewpoint, and even seeing things from a politician's eyes. But what if I mess up royally? What if my assessment goes to bits? I want to say that what I get out of the class in terms on personal gains and not results is what really matters but I'd be lying through my teeth.

Hey, admitting my fears and weaknesses is not my expertise, but right now, I think it might as well be. :)

The easy way out of all this is to take Chinese as my elective instead. I never received any formal education in Chinese, so I ought to qualify for it. I won't have to buy a fat textbook on globalisation and world politics. I might just achieve good results for once in more than 2 years. I'll be able to stop reading subtitles and fully understand soppy lines in silly romantic series like Meteor Garden. And stop asking my Taiwanese friends for help with my Mandarin.

But should I? I don't want to regret not giving International Relations a shot. I'm not sure if I'll have electives next semester to mess about with though...

Decisions, decisions... If only they wouldn't impact my life so much... And the worst thing is you'll probably never meet anyone as indecisive as me.