When I tell people about D, they ask me if he's upset about me leaving and I say, yes, he is. He whinges about it. Last night, today, this arvo, every second thing he brings up has to do with me leaving.

But why won't they ask me if I'm upset about leaving?

When his steps slowed this morning and he told me that he was really sad about it, I just smiled and told him he'd find someone new. God, it hurt. Then he said goodbye and that he'll see me in eight months time.

And my shoulders would like to break and my eyes are hurting now from remembering that moment cause that was letting go. That was me looking at you, pretending this happens everyday; me finding a man who accepts my flaws and treats me like the world should bow at my feet. Pretending that it didn't hurt somewhere, everywhere, with nothing to do with actual visible scars and bruises. Pretending I don't like you more than I actually do.

Our dates were such that I could get used to them. Dinner that could taste less than memorable to make up for the times when we just stop whatever we're doing. Like the time in the bar in West End when I asked you if something was wrong as you held onto me and you replied that no, you were merely enjoying the moment. Fuck it, we could be sitting at your dining table over instant noodles and have ridiculous debates about cooking it with the microwave or the stove. Or just you holding onto me as we watch something on your laptop and you fall asleep, denying it afterward. Breakfast downstairs (your big breakfast with scrambled eggs and orange juice with no ice). Me stealing your toothpaste and face wash. You paying for meals when I'm in the restroom. The bags. Your laughter when I confessed I had bought the bag that Trinity and I thought looked nicer but might not suit you as well. Just you. More you.

I want to just lie down here and remember it all. Because I may never have this with you ever again, I wanna pretend I'm not leaving the country in a few hours for eight months, stealing me away from more occasions we could spend together. I want to hear my phone ring again at this ungodly hour. I want you to just. stay. even though I'm the one leaving.

Here's me holding back and wishing that this will come back someday.

So yeah, I know you didn't ask, but I'm sad to be leaving. Leaving him.

Now I wanna just.. do that thing girls do when they're upset (this is getting too emo). I... Sigh.