It's times like these when you're trying to catch a breather...

and the train leaves you running after it on the platform, screaming desperately at it to wait, then swearing like a sailor, as if the increasing number of swear words you come up with would mean the train would magically reverse back into the station and pick you up graciously.

* * *

I claimed back my possessions from my aunt's after intruding on her hospitality for 1 1/2 years. I opened these boxes and all the memories came flowing back. There were birthday cards, scented candles, burned CDs, plastic flowers, all sorts of things that I had almost forgotten about. I thought I even saw a denim miniskirt I used to wear all the time, from Easter of my first year here till, if I'm not mistaken, the time I graduated from high school.

It was my favourite skirt. I bought it when I was out with Helen and she has the exact same one, except she's very much skinnier than me. I wore it even when it had gotten too small for me. With heels, boots, knee length socks and Mary Jane's. It would be cold out and I'd be having dinner in the refectory with everyone else and my best denim miniskirt.

It's silly. Of course I knew people talked. Honestly, guys. *Shakes head* And the least discreet people when it comes to gossip are us Asians. Not that I'm saying the Australians don't. One day when I wore something very different (possibly very conservative) to dinner, Coffey, my Australian friend, pointed out that it was very different from my old short skirts and boots/high socks. Frankly, it's not that I didn't think people wouldn't notice, but rather, I was shocked anyone actually remembered what I had previously worn. Maybe cause I was the only one who dressed (strangely?) like that.

I know anyone can say this, but it wasn't about showing off at the time before I started playing football and grew large calves. Neither was it about trying to reveal more skin than any other girl. I'm pretty sure that wasn't me. At that time, I was fifteen, sixteen. Suddenly, I could do whatever I want. My mom wasn't standing right next to me, telling me this was ugly, that was too revealing, it's too plunging, way too short. I could buy... whatever.

I bought knee high socks cause I loved them but it was too hot to wear in KL. More denim skirts went into my wardrobe whether short, long or medium in length. I bought silly cheap T-shirts because I'm a budget shopper and I'm sucker for slogans. Then an expensive pair of black mid-calf boots because they were the hottest thing I had ever seen (expensive then being 40 bucks). I'd go to to the mall with nothing in mind and come back with bags and bags of stuff because I could afford it when everything was 5, 6 dollars each.

I wore new clothes to dinner because obviously they were the only time during the week that I was wearing my own clothes, besides weekends. In the beginning when we were all new, people put effort into looking their best. Then slowly, they just came to dinner in trackies/shorts/jumpers. I walked in with skirts, my black trench coat, boots, heels, knee high socks. All because I wanted to wear my new clothes. There's something about wearing something new that still makes me feel satisfied, almost invincible.

The boots are now worn and I'm throwing them away tomorrow. I bought a new flat, red pair. The miniskirt I thought I had spotted is nowhere to be seen; it's mystifying. I have wanted to buy another one for a very long time and maybe I'll hunt for one when I'm done with exams.

But what I'm trying to say is... it's not all about pleasing everyone else. Sometimes, it can just be about pleasing yourself. If I put on makeup one day (cause I hardly ever do *rolls eyes*), it might not be because there's something on but merely for myself. Cause I wanna look my best. Other people's attention might come into play, but their attention doesn't feed them, but me. In the end, how you feel about it is paramount.

Fuck what other people think.

So how do you feel? =)