Title from song by Evan's Blue

He doesn't want her but he just won't let her go. (Stars: The Big Fight)

My heart is so, so heavy. I can't just break this off. What started off a mundane habit, a fairytale picture, bordering on obsession, a reason to pick fights over, is now like the best, tired-looking sofa that you crash onto, which makes you forget that there are downs and deaths out in this world. I can't forget that I'd be more ignorant, concealed from the ugliness of politics and society without it. Or that it brings out the worst in people when they hear the truth.

Yes, I loved him. I do love him. And I didn't care that I could tell the world about it here. And if you would've died of envy, I would've let you. Of course I had times when I doubted myself, doubted you, doubted anyone else. But with the clarity of words, or sometimes, merely upon sight of the written confessions materialising across the screen, everything becomes crystal and I know what I have to do. This is my bridge across the choppy sea, my ticket across the barren lands and ridges that stand simply to harm and silence the determination I thought i never had.

Right now, I don't know how to walk away. Because I don't want to. This place brings me memories of my shadow that I have left behind, and has always been my destination when I'm broken, or even spilling with joy. I don't want to forget the person I used to be, and this is the best avenue for remembrance.

I'm elsewhere, but I'm still here. Infinitely.

I've been writing here for four years.
Tell me if I should stay.
 

When I first heard about it, I was in complete disbelief. There's no way that was right. My head silently thought, but she's beautiful... But people don't joke about things like this. I tried to picture what it would be like to have it happen to me; changes to the people in my life, dreams of my own, or those I share, the hope that kept me going, and love. The receding lack of it, the disappearance of some... And I almost collapsed. It was heartbreaking.

I cannot pretend I know what she's going through. But I hope that I can give her whatever strength I have and can spare, to hold on. Somehow I have to believe that she will be okay. I wanna pray, wanna hope, wanna keep this faith in people, in a love that will never leave cause I just cannot be wrong... I sound almost selfish, or naive, like a little girl who doesn't understand that fairytales are fiction, but this is for everyone who grew up believing that there is a happily ever after and is still holding on for one: I know you want to as well.

Tonight I hold you in my prayers.

I'm home! The parentals keep feeding me even though they say I've gained weight.  Contradictory, innit? I swear we eat every 2 hours or so! I get that I haven't had all these foods in nine months, but I don't have to eat it all in nine days! Though, I haven't had kaya balls. Yum. I need to find someeee!

We went to visit the sayang at work today and he gave us all drinks and food. I got a yummy latte, he gave us cake, and paid for it all. Sigh. Boys. But I feel so loved. :) Right, I'm paying for our next meal!

Anyway, forget about my Aussie number. You guys can reach me on +60172649838. I'll write again when I can think of something to talk about besides food which has been occupying my head so much. ;)

When I tell people about D, they ask me if he's upset about me leaving and I say, yes, he is. He whinges about it. Last night, today, this arvo, every second thing he brings up has to do with me leaving.

But why won't they ask me if I'm upset about leaving?

When his steps slowed this morning and he told me that he was really sad about it, I just smiled and told him he'd find someone new. God, it hurt. Then he said goodbye and that he'll see me in eight months time.

And my shoulders would like to break and my eyes are hurting now from remembering that moment cause that was letting go. That was me looking at you, pretending this happens everyday; me finding a man who accepts my flaws and treats me like the world should bow at my feet. Pretending that it didn't hurt somewhere, everywhere, with nothing to do with actual visible scars and bruises. Pretending I don't like you more than I actually do.

Our dates were such that I could get used to them. Dinner that could taste less than memorable to make up for the times when we just stop whatever we're doing. Like the time in the bar in West End when I asked you if something was wrong as you held onto me and you replied that no, you were merely enjoying the moment. Fuck it, we could be sitting at your dining table over instant noodles and have ridiculous debates about cooking it with the microwave or the stove. Or just you holding onto me as we watch something on your laptop and you fall asleep, denying it afterward. Breakfast downstairs (your big breakfast with scrambled eggs and orange juice with no ice). Me stealing your toothpaste and face wash. You paying for meals when I'm in the restroom. The bags. Your laughter when I confessed I had bought the bag that Trinity and I thought looked nicer but might not suit you as well. Just you. More you.

I want to just lie down here and remember it all. Because I may never have this with you ever again, I wanna pretend I'm not leaving the country in a few hours for eight months, stealing me away from more occasions we could spend together. I want to hear my phone ring again at this ungodly hour. I want you to just. stay. even though I'm the one leaving.

Here's me holding back and wishing that this will come back someday.

So yeah, I know you didn't ask, but I'm sad to be leaving. Leaving him.

Now I wanna just.. do that thing girls do when they're upset (this is getting too emo). I... Sigh.

Flight tomorrow at 1, and I'll be home on Monday. In the meantime, I wish a whole load of my crap will just find its way to my bin while I sleep. Wishful thinking? :)

It doesn't help that I PK-ed yesterday in the rain whilst rushing for the train and now have a left foot that looks strangely like a baby elephant's and vicious scars on my knees and one on my toe. I suspect my finger is sprained too. It's funny how we were being Santas last night and giving out free alcohol cause I needed some for my wounds but they were obviously all gone. :P I knew there were benefits to having a stash at home besides celebratory and wallowing purposes!

Anyway, I am procrastinating my packing. I think I need coffee. Lalala.

Have a great weekend and don't PK like I did. :P

I've always insisted on going Dutch when on dates, not because I'm a strong feminist but rather, I think it's not fair on the guy (in the case of a guy and a girl), especially if both are students. I mean, poor thing! Especially when interest lies in both parties to actually see each other over coffee/lunch/dinner/whatever. Of course, if he's so against the idea, I'll pay for the next meal. I just don't see why guys should have to find it their responsibility to foot the bill, unless they've struck the lottery or something. So I've never dated anyone who has refused to let me pay for my share...

until now. :P

It doesn't help that we haven't exactly been to the most affordable of places either. Au contraire. And he knows the people who work at the places he takes me to, so they don't let me pay as well! Meals, drinks, everything! I insisted on paying for dinner last night, but when he came to meet me earlier in the afternoon over hot chocolate, he held out a gift for me. Argh, noooo, talk about defeating the purpose!

Anyway. :) It was a cute bag that he bought, his reason being that he has seen me using the same bag everytime he has met me, and he deduced that I must not have a lot of bags. I laughed, explaining that actually, I had many but that it was a present from my brother (yeah, that Gucci one) and I'm lazy when it comes to switching bags. The bag is perfect for everyday use too. I had only been using it for the past 2 months or so ever since I saw the light and decided it's stupid to let it rot in the giant box it arrived in. :P

It's funny cause I'm buying him a Xmas present and shhh, it's gonna be a bag too since he needs one. :) I told him I'd be shopping tomorrow and hopefully not be broke when I meet him for dinner, but he said I should be so that he can pay for dinner. *sigh* I wonder if he had read that sms that said he really doesn't work so hard just to pay for my dinners...

I've got to admit that it's really sweet though. :) I'm all about being fair and such, but such gestures just melt my heart... But he needs to stop spoiling me before I learn to expect so much from guys! *groans*

Now I know what Trinity meant when she said something along the lines of people setting the bar so high that sometimes, you get a bit worried no one will ever impress you again. :P